There’s a lot of good material in my archives most of you have never seen, so from time to time I will revisit some of it. This is a topic I first looked at in newsletter #16, namely about how to build friendships and relationships.
Mar 30, 2023·edited Mar 30, 2023Liked by Aaron M. Renn
Useful article. I started a book club with three other guys and we meet monthly (it has now grown to five men in total). That has become the core of my friendship group. I also joined a whisky Club, which I go to with the same former colleague each month, so it ensures we remain friends because we have a guaranteed meet up each month. I would like to just arrange a fortnightly coffee with one or two guys, with no other "purpose", but it could seem kind of weird. I'll have to think my way around it. I was thinking of starting an "Adventure Club" which has to meet once a month, and do some kind of weekend activity. I think men tend to be more comfortable meeting to "do something".
I went down a YouTube rabbit hole on amateur radio during covid and became a licensed ham two years ago. There are a lot of ham radio clubs near me in the Dallas suburbs, they exist mostly to maintain "repeaters" that boost signals, essentially making your radio a supercharged CB.
What I'm surprised by is what a great social network this plugged me into. It's mostly retired guys, with a definite nerd streak, and 95% male though the women are treated with equal camaraderie. The older guys are extremely generous with their know-how and also with their tools and equipment. There are sub hobbies within ham radio that involve man-portable camping operations and even mountain climbing.
Best part? Political and religious pontificating is frowned upon, even while emergency prepardness is definitely a thing. For most of my new friends, I can't tell you if they are Democrat or Republican. A couple of Saturdays ago I hung out with a couple of guys installing mobile radios in our cars, drinking beer, and enjoying each other's company. I haven't enjoyed myself so much in the company of men since I was in college. The guys I was hanging out with mentioned that he'd had few good guy friends before (recently) getting into ham radio.
Five years ago I never would have imagined myself becoming one of those guys.
One obstacle to friendships is age difference. I like to apply what I call the "20/25 rule." Very roughly speaking, if someone is no more than 20% younger nor more than 25% older, age is not a problem. Notice that this rule is symmetrical. If person A is 20% younger than person B, person B is 25% older than person A.
This seems to work pretty well. If you are 4 years old, you can probably be friends with a 5 year old, who is 25% older. But a 6-year old would probably not work as a friend. If you are 20 years old, you could probably have friendships in the range of 16 to 25. If you are 60, friends could be in the range of 48 to 75.
Where this breaks down is when the two friends have very strong shared activities. If both are engaged in mission work, for example, age differences may not matter. But that is because the basis for the friendship is more vocational than relational.
A number of writers throughout history, Plato for instance, have said that friendships are essentially only possible between equals. I don't agree with that. Probably someone with a very inflated sense of himself - someone who is dominated by his ego - can't conceive of a friendship with someone beneath him, but I doubt any friendship is possible for such a person because he is unable to recognize the value of anyone but himself. Now it's true that someone at a very different social level may be inaccessible because he moves in different circles, but in most situations differences in income or education shouldn't interfere with friendship. Personality is much more important.
However, at some level, many people do worry about how they measure up to a potential friend. That thought should be buried because let's face it, all of us are a collection of strengths and weaknesses and trying to evaluate all that is a colossal waste of time. Again, personality is what counts. And you can find a compatible personality in the most unlikely places.
This reminds me of a recent Rob Henderson post (maybe I found it through this Substack's weekly digest lol), about how we act differently around some friends and why that might be:
He would have a friend must show himself a friend. The work we do of building authentic Christian Community in military communities is much like building friends. What I have noticed in myself is that I really like a lot of different kinds of people (even beyond the military connections). But differentiating ministry work and friendships is indeed impossible. One leads to the other and that is just fine.
Fantastic, thank you. Thomas S. Kidd hits some of the same points in his newsletter - I think there is some basic wisdom here: https://mailchi.mp/baylor/the-christian-discipline-of-friendship
Useful article. I started a book club with three other guys and we meet monthly (it has now grown to five men in total). That has become the core of my friendship group. I also joined a whisky Club, which I go to with the same former colleague each month, so it ensures we remain friends because we have a guaranteed meet up each month. I would like to just arrange a fortnightly coffee with one or two guys, with no other "purpose", but it could seem kind of weird. I'll have to think my way around it. I was thinking of starting an "Adventure Club" which has to meet once a month, and do some kind of weekend activity. I think men tend to be more comfortable meeting to "do something".
I went down a YouTube rabbit hole on amateur radio during covid and became a licensed ham two years ago. There are a lot of ham radio clubs near me in the Dallas suburbs, they exist mostly to maintain "repeaters" that boost signals, essentially making your radio a supercharged CB.
What I'm surprised by is what a great social network this plugged me into. It's mostly retired guys, with a definite nerd streak, and 95% male though the women are treated with equal camaraderie. The older guys are extremely generous with their know-how and also with their tools and equipment. There are sub hobbies within ham radio that involve man-portable camping operations and even mountain climbing.
Best part? Political and religious pontificating is frowned upon, even while emergency prepardness is definitely a thing. For most of my new friends, I can't tell you if they are Democrat or Republican. A couple of Saturdays ago I hung out with a couple of guys installing mobile radios in our cars, drinking beer, and enjoying each other's company. I haven't enjoyed myself so much in the company of men since I was in college. The guys I was hanging out with mentioned that he'd had few good guy friends before (recently) getting into ham radio.
Five years ago I never would have imagined myself becoming one of those guys.
One obstacle to friendships is age difference. I like to apply what I call the "20/25 rule." Very roughly speaking, if someone is no more than 20% younger nor more than 25% older, age is not a problem. Notice that this rule is symmetrical. If person A is 20% younger than person B, person B is 25% older than person A.
This seems to work pretty well. If you are 4 years old, you can probably be friends with a 5 year old, who is 25% older. But a 6-year old would probably not work as a friend. If you are 20 years old, you could probably have friendships in the range of 16 to 25. If you are 60, friends could be in the range of 48 to 75.
Where this breaks down is when the two friends have very strong shared activities. If both are engaged in mission work, for example, age differences may not matter. But that is because the basis for the friendship is more vocational than relational.
A number of writers throughout history, Plato for instance, have said that friendships are essentially only possible between equals. I don't agree with that. Probably someone with a very inflated sense of himself - someone who is dominated by his ego - can't conceive of a friendship with someone beneath him, but I doubt any friendship is possible for such a person because he is unable to recognize the value of anyone but himself. Now it's true that someone at a very different social level may be inaccessible because he moves in different circles, but in most situations differences in income or education shouldn't interfere with friendship. Personality is much more important.
However, at some level, many people do worry about how they measure up to a potential friend. That thought should be buried because let's face it, all of us are a collection of strengths and weaknesses and trying to evaluate all that is a colossal waste of time. Again, personality is what counts. And you can find a compatible personality in the most unlikely places.
This reminds me of a recent Rob Henderson post (maybe I found it through this Substack's weekly digest lol), about how we act differently around some friends and why that might be:
https://robkhenderson.substack.com/p/keep-your-head-up-in-some-rooms-and
He would have a friend must show himself a friend. The work we do of building authentic Christian Community in military communities is much like building friends. What I have noticed in myself is that I really like a lot of different kinds of people (even beyond the military connections). But differentiating ministry work and friendships is indeed impossible. One leads to the other and that is just fine.
Good article!